Monday, 28 February 2011

Down the Well

I feel sick to my stomach. I genuinely thought I had sorted myself out but once again, I'm back at square one. I felt fine this morning, really positive. I waited patiently for almost 2 hours for an opening in the Schiavone game but when it came, I was only partially matched for a tiny amount. It would have been a win but I wasn't too bothered, onto the next game. Again, I failed to get matched after a long wait. It would've won, again. I was irritated but still ploughed on. I did get matched the 3rd time but let a reasonable green slip back to a red. I kept my frustration under control and was going to leave the match with a very small red - but I didn't. I went into the final set, made a rash bet and ended up having to get out for a large red. I was fuming. Nothing had gone right for me and I just lost all the calmness and composure that I was doing so well to maintain. I thought I had calmed down enough for the Monterrey games but I ended up not greening up on the Pous-Tio game when I could have come out for a decent profit. As always, it reversed on me and I was all red and seriously pissed off. So I stuck a big wedge on Kerber to beat Hercog, a dead cert I thought...............

So I lost my rag once again. Yet looking back, I should have had 3 greens and two medium size reds from 6 games and certainly should have got something from the Kerber game too. I just couldn't contain my frustration at those missed opportunities and thrown away profit. I haven't got the mental strength to cope at the moment. I had no reason to be that upset today, it was just one of those days where the luck doesn't quite go your way.

I waited till late night for the Rezai game and mentally, I felt fine. I had another hypnotherapy session and I started the game with a steely edge that I was not going to be beaten by this mental torture and would battle through. But it made no difference. Even though I executed my trades perfectly, they did not go for me at any stage and I had to red out. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. In the end, I did both. Sorry no P&L today but I don't have the nerve to look at it. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a deep well, clambering up the sides to get out but keep slipping after a short while and falling back down. I know if I can just get near the top, I'll be ok but right now, I can't even see any daylight.

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