That is exactly how I feel right now. I have nothing left to give. I'm completely shattered, soul destroyed and emotionally drained. I haven't been particularly angry, I haven't remonstrated loudly or seen the red mist. I'm just numb.
It all went horribly wrong today. All my good work from the past 2 weeks has been wiped out in one hour of complete madness. Just 2 matches where I lost focus and then lost my head. From the moment I woke up this morning, I was not myself. I think the past couple of weeks finally caught up with me; the travelling, the 2 days of lost sleep, the manic weekend and then the head-cold. I was amazed that I even managed to trade so well last week. But today, the fatigue finally got to me and I couldn't shake it off all day. My body was devoid of any energy and I knew that if I lay down, I would struggle to get back up again for a very long time. But I still went ahead and traded. That was my downfall. My focus wasn't there and as soon as I realised this, I should have stopped. But I battled on through the tiredness, somehow deciding to trade two games at once (something I never normally do) and ended up losing my full stake on both. A double whammy gut-punch that left my head spinning. I could've gotten out at various points for much smaller losses but for some reason, I kept going back in and just made things worse. I wasn't following my strategy at all for most of the time, I just wasn't thinking straight.
I remember the last time I traded whilst tired, very vividly. It was back in February I believe, and I lost around £600 on the one game, Safarova v Dokic. It wasn't far from being a lot worse though. I was knackered from running earlier in the day and could barely keep my eyes open. Once more, I simply haven't learnt from past experience. I'm starting to wonder whether I ever will. I'm just sick of doing so well for 90% of the time, only for that tiny 10% to ruin it all and put me back to square one. Obviously, it's almost always a focus issue and I now realise that I simply cannot ever trade if I feel my focus slipping. If that means taking the whole day off, so be it.
When I look through all my notes and analyse every game, it all boils down to 3 very simple issues which you'll all be familiar with - focus, patience and discipline. When I'm focused, I rarely make mistakes. The biggest problem I face once I'm focused properly, is impatience. I still tend to try and force trades by jumping in too early. But even so, when I'm focused, I can normally rectify those errors. But when I'm not focused and I become impatient and make mistakes, I don't always rectify those errors. And that's the third major issue - I struggle to accept losses that occur due to daft errors and so I don't always red-out. I get frustrated and my discipline disappears. There's nothing new in that analysis, I've known all that for ages. So where do I go from here? Right now, I don't know and I don't care. I'm too numb to even think anymore.