Today, my trading journey almost came to an abrupt end. I'm still in a bit of shock as to what happened but I want to record it here, so that I never forget how close I came to destroying my dream. The day had gone along fine. Another 6am start but as the final game came to a close in Beijing, I was ready to end with another day of profit, despite the tiredness. Chanelle Scheepers was up against a local Chinese player ranked outside the top 300. I wasn't going to bother getting involved as she looked to be coasting to an easy victory but for some reason, I just couldn't help myself. I completely disregarded my strategy and plumped for a set bet - Scheepers to win set 2. I was so confident of the win that I lay down on my bed to rest my weary body, whilst keeping an eye on the scoreboard................45 mins later, I awoke to an all red screen. She'd given away a break lead and lost the set 7-5.
I was still half-asleep and couldn't even sum up any emotion. I didn't get outwardly angry or shout or kick anything. I just went immediately to Betdaq, opened up the football coupon and placed a straight bet on the Arsenal - Spurs game that had just kicked-off. This wasn't any old bet though. Enraged, I flung my ENTIRE BANK on over 1.5 goals. I didn't even pause to think about it. I knew I wouldn't be happy until every last penny of the full-stake I lost on Scheepers had been immediately recouped. After 10 mins or so, I started to come out of the groggy haze I was in and the severity of my actions began to register. If less than 2 goals were scored at White Hart Lane, this blog, my 20 months of hard graft, all my remaining money and my entire dream of becoming self-employed, were over in the next 90 minutes.
Did that make me come out of the trade? Did it hell!! I just lay there in nauseating silence. Visions of Fernando Torres's miss came flying back to my mind, as Gervinho and Van Der Vaart missed golden opportunities. I half expected another one of those games where it was just never going to happen. Fortunately, I was spared too many heart-palpitations, as the 2 goals were scored before the hour mark. But I barely celebrated. Nothing like I have done in the past, where I would roar the house down. That's because I realised how quick I was to push the self-destruct button over something so small. There was nothing to celebrate.
So why did I do it? The chasing was obvious (and being half-asleep didn't help) but why did I place that Scheepers bet? What forced me to veer from my strategy and place a straight bet for a measly £20 on the final game of the day when I was ready to fall asleep after a good day's trading? The answer is simple; I was still pissed off about the very first trade of the day from 10 hours earlier. I had lost £20 on the Cibulkova game, a trade where I knew that I should not have gotten involved but did so anyway. It didn't matter much in the big scheme of things but it kept nagging away at me all day, despite a glut of wins which wiped it out easily. And that is all it took to almost end my trading career.
I realise now that I have to make more changes. This is something which has plagued me throughout my trading life, the inability to let certain mistakes go. The perfectionist in me just will not allow it unless it was unavoidable. But I reached crisis point today and I need a new plan of action to conquer this obsession. I'll be back tomorrow to crack onto it - once I've got some shut-eye. Trust me, I'll be sleeping well tonight!